Robert had a way of communicating through music and after almost 10 years together, his musical communication rubbed off on me! The lyrics below are from a song that is in my "Robert's Songs'" cd. Thought I'd share them!
Who Knew
By Pink
You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
uh, huh that's right
I took your words and I believed
in everything you said to me
uh, huh that's right
If someone said three years from now
you'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
cause they're all wrong
I know better 'cause you said forever
and ever
who knew?
Remember when we were such fools
and so convinced and just to cool
Oh no, no, no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew, better, still you said forever
and ever
Who knew?
Yeah, yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happend?
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
it harder
I wish I could remember
But I'll keep
your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
my darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
Who knew?
Who knew?
Friday, February 13, 2009
Romantic Holidays Suck!
It's funny because when my husband was alive, we really didn't celebrate romantic holidays. Yeah, we'd get each other a card but that was usually the extent of it. For some reason, all the upcoming Valentine's festivities are really bothering me. Another reminder that I don't have him anymore and never will again. Not that I really need that reminder...
I'm in a weird place again where I don't want to be alone but am afraid to move on. Six months ago was a very different story for me. I was more than ready to move on, even had a great man in mind but it didn't go anywhere. Why was I ready and now I'm scared again? Is it because that perspective didn't go anywhere? Am I having a pity party? Is it because everyone around me is spending Valentines' with the one they love and I'm spending yet another holiday without my husband?
The last couple of weeks have been really bad for me...I can't sleep, I'm not eating good, most days' I just don't feel like doing aything. Yeah, the books call this depression...I didn't say I couldn't function, I said I don't want to! Why do I keep going through these repetitive phases of grief? I haven't cried in months over my husband and now the last 2 days, I cry at the drop of a hat. Is it the upcoming "romantic" holiday? I don't know...but that's what I'm blaming it on!
I'm in a weird place again where I don't want to be alone but am afraid to move on. Six months ago was a very different story for me. I was more than ready to move on, even had a great man in mind but it didn't go anywhere. Why was I ready and now I'm scared again? Is it because that perspective didn't go anywhere? Am I having a pity party? Is it because everyone around me is spending Valentines' with the one they love and I'm spending yet another holiday without my husband?
The last couple of weeks have been really bad for me...I can't sleep, I'm not eating good, most days' I just don't feel like doing aything. Yeah, the books call this depression...I didn't say I couldn't function, I said I don't want to! Why do I keep going through these repetitive phases of grief? I haven't cried in months over my husband and now the last 2 days, I cry at the drop of a hat. Is it the upcoming "romantic" holiday? I don't know...but that's what I'm blaming it on!
Monday, February 9, 2009
How it all began
I met my husband in high school. We started dating when I was just 17 years old, but I knew instantly he was the one! His outlook on life, his smile, his personality, his faith, his strength, did I mention his smile...He was everything that I wanted and needed...and more. We fell in love within weeks which was obviously exciting but also terrifying! He was going to be going away to college which would obviously be extremely hard on our relationship. We graduated high school and began our summer "Underneath the Stars". It was a fairtytale summer-walks on the beach, sunsets and sunrises, dancing in the moonlight, late night talks, weekend get aways...it was perfect. We spent our last weekend together before he left for college, which also happend to be my 18th birthday-we went camping. It was the perfect way to end our perfect summer!
We survived the first few months of him away with phone calls, emails, weekend get togethers and the beauty of his breaks off school. Over his winter break, we spent every day together...every night together. Over break, he cooked for me for the very first time-lasagna. It was suprisingly good! I'm still til this day convinced his mom helped him...he usually struggled to make mac-n-cheese! Regardless, it was a great dinner and yet another great night! He went back to school and we were already looking forward to the next time we'd see each other which wasn't going to be until Valentine's weekend. That weekend came and we were shocked with the gift that was already in store for us...I found out I was pregnant-just 18 and pregnant! We figured it out, quickly, because we had to, Robert was going to finish our his year out of state and then transfer to a college back home and finish out his degree. Once the shock was over, our family was supportive of trying to help us figure this out. Even though I was young, I was very excited to become a mom; I always new I wanted to be a mom and I knew Robert was my future so I just looked at this as a curveball to the plans we were bound to have anyways. Taylor was to be the baby's name-we didn't know for sure it was a girl, but we were convinced it was. At my 10 week check up, the doctor all but confirmed for us that it was girl....I was excstatic to be having this baby. Every bone in my body wanted this baby...my belly was already getting hard and then the unthinkable happend; I began to spot & passed out at work. They called 911 and at the hospital my worst fears' were confirmed, I was probably going to lose our baby. Robert's parents' drove almost 11 hours straight through to go get Robert home to be with me but unfortunately he didn't make it home in time. I lost our baby on April 3, 1997. We were completely devestated! And so began the next chapter of our life....
After dealing with the grief of losing our baby, our relationship was obviously strengthened and our love grew to a level that neither of us could've imagined. We got engaged when I was 19 and married when I was 21 years; he was 22. We had an absolutely perfect wedding, the big white dress, 185 guests, beautiful church ceremony, fun reception...most importantly, we were madly in love. We were young and so inspired by each other, we knew we would beat the marital odds and grow old together-no one we knew would've doubted our love or our future.
Our first 3 months of marriage were really rough emotionally. Two weeks after we got married, I ended up in the hospital with a kidney stone and kidney infection that required me to have surgery to remove the stone. It was awful! Few weeks later, my grandma suffered a major heart attack and had to undergo a quadruple by-pass. One month later, my Uncle Dave comitted suicide. I was absolutely devestated! Him and his wife were my favorite aunt and uncle on that side of the family-I spent a lot of time there growing up. Some of my best childhood memories were of my time with them. My uncle had been suffering from severe depression and bipolar disorder for a couple years and gave up the struggle that his life had become. In a lot ways, my husband Robert reminded me of my uncle Dave. They had very similar personalities. You know that guy at every party that just has a way of working the crowd, making you laugh even when you don't want to...whose smile could light up the darkest sky? That was my uncle...and my Robert! I was so distraught by the news of my uncle's death, not only because he was gone, but also because this was supposed to be one of the happy times of life...I was a newlywed and also just found out I was pregnant! This pregnancy was so exciting for me and Robert; after losing our first baby and with my medical history, the doctors' weren't sure if I'd be able to have children. I was newly pregnant and heartbroken over my uncle's death and had a really hard time finding joy. I wanted so badly to be excited about the pregnancy, but then felt guilty for feeling happy when this was obviously a devastating time in my life....and in the life of a new marriage. I had a fairly good pregnancy. I had high blood pressure and had some preterm labor the last 3 months of my pregnancy, but all in all, it was a good pregnancy. On March 7, 2001, 3 1/2 weeks early, Brendan Robert was born. Our hearts were bursting with love and joy! It was so hard to believe how much I loved this beautiful baby instantly-he was a perfect reflection of me and Robert.
We survived the first few months of him away with phone calls, emails, weekend get togethers and the beauty of his breaks off school. Over his winter break, we spent every day together...every night together. Over break, he cooked for me for the very first time-lasagna. It was suprisingly good! I'm still til this day convinced his mom helped him...he usually struggled to make mac-n-cheese! Regardless, it was a great dinner and yet another great night! He went back to school and we were already looking forward to the next time we'd see each other which wasn't going to be until Valentine's weekend. That weekend came and we were shocked with the gift that was already in store for us...I found out I was pregnant-just 18 and pregnant! We figured it out, quickly, because we had to, Robert was going to finish our his year out of state and then transfer to a college back home and finish out his degree. Once the shock was over, our family was supportive of trying to help us figure this out. Even though I was young, I was very excited to become a mom; I always new I wanted to be a mom and I knew Robert was my future so I just looked at this as a curveball to the plans we were bound to have anyways. Taylor was to be the baby's name-we didn't know for sure it was a girl, but we were convinced it was. At my 10 week check up, the doctor all but confirmed for us that it was girl....I was excstatic to be having this baby. Every bone in my body wanted this baby...my belly was already getting hard and then the unthinkable happend; I began to spot & passed out at work. They called 911 and at the hospital my worst fears' were confirmed, I was probably going to lose our baby. Robert's parents' drove almost 11 hours straight through to go get Robert home to be with me but unfortunately he didn't make it home in time. I lost our baby on April 3, 1997. We were completely devestated! And so began the next chapter of our life....
After dealing with the grief of losing our baby, our relationship was obviously strengthened and our love grew to a level that neither of us could've imagined. We got engaged when I was 19 and married when I was 21 years; he was 22. We had an absolutely perfect wedding, the big white dress, 185 guests, beautiful church ceremony, fun reception...most importantly, we were madly in love. We were young and so inspired by each other, we knew we would beat the marital odds and grow old together-no one we knew would've doubted our love or our future.
Our first 3 months of marriage were really rough emotionally. Two weeks after we got married, I ended up in the hospital with a kidney stone and kidney infection that required me to have surgery to remove the stone. It was awful! Few weeks later, my grandma suffered a major heart attack and had to undergo a quadruple by-pass. One month later, my Uncle Dave comitted suicide. I was absolutely devestated! Him and his wife were my favorite aunt and uncle on that side of the family-I spent a lot of time there growing up. Some of my best childhood memories were of my time with them. My uncle had been suffering from severe depression and bipolar disorder for a couple years and gave up the struggle that his life had become. In a lot ways, my husband Robert reminded me of my uncle Dave. They had very similar personalities. You know that guy at every party that just has a way of working the crowd, making you laugh even when you don't want to...whose smile could light up the darkest sky? That was my uncle...and my Robert! I was so distraught by the news of my uncle's death, not only because he was gone, but also because this was supposed to be one of the happy times of life...I was a newlywed and also just found out I was pregnant! This pregnancy was so exciting for me and Robert; after losing our first baby and with my medical history, the doctors' weren't sure if I'd be able to have children. I was newly pregnant and heartbroken over my uncle's death and had a really hard time finding joy. I wanted so badly to be excited about the pregnancy, but then felt guilty for feeling happy when this was obviously a devastating time in my life....and in the life of a new marriage. I had a fairly good pregnancy. I had high blood pressure and had some preterm labor the last 3 months of my pregnancy, but all in all, it was a good pregnancy. On March 7, 2001, 3 1/2 weeks early, Brendan Robert was born. Our hearts were bursting with love and joy! It was so hard to believe how much I loved this beautiful baby instantly-he was a perfect reflection of me and Robert.
- And so it began....
Monday, February 2, 2009
30 year old widow with two boys!
I am a 30 year old widow of almost 4 years. I have two boys 7 & 5-the light of my life! I was so happy to find these blogs online. I look forward to talking with people who actually understand what I'm going through!
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